Killing the Hockey Fantasy One Pick at a Time


I live a rich fantasy life. I have a very vivid imagination and spend probably way too much time inside my own head. This is probably why I lose my car keys on a daily basis and tear the house up looking for sunglasses that are on top of my head. If these things were in my imaginary life I would have no problems finding them!

This is the first year I have decided to make fantasy a reality. That’s right. Mark the 2011-2012 NHL season as my first foray into fantasy hockey. I have never had any desire to play any fantasy sports before. I have spent many a NFL game taunting my cousin’s husband for rooting for his fantasy players. “How can you cheer for ONE guy?! That’s ridiculous!” So when an invitation to join a league popped up in my Twitter timeline I didn’t pay it any mind. But there were promises that the group would be small and “just for fun.” Like a crazy person I said, “Ok. Sign me up.” Actually I sat on the fence for a while but determined that was a bit of a painful experience on my hindquarters. Then I said “Ok I have no idea what I am doing. Sign me up.”

Before I could even get my team name entered on the site the interleague chirping began. Teams were taunting each other about their choice of names and smacking each other down before the first puck had been pulled out of the freezer. Questions were flying about “rotisserie style or head-to-head.” In my world rotisseries involve chicken and memories of Kenny Roger’s Roasters. I had no idea what they were talking about. I just stuck with my standard response. “I have no idea what any of this means. I’ll just be over here.” The commissioner graciously chuckled along with me, although it could have been a pity laugh, and told me not to worry. The rest of the gang would show me the ropes once things got under way.

I would like to say that I brushed my worry aside and continued on with more important things. Sadly I did not. I spent the next couple of hours days trying to get my name to display correctly in Yahoo! Sports and my chosen user pic to show. Sadly I never got either one to work and after a lot of swearing (we’re talking Daniel “Carbomb” Carcillo hanging outside the officials’ room calibre swearing) I finally had to get “the commish” to reset my account. That’s right. Before the draft even began I had him fire me as a manager and rehire myself under another account name! I am like the Jaques Lemaire of fantasy hockey! I was finally able to log on and fix my picture and name to go along with my not yet drafted team, “Whole Lotta Rosey.”

Now I am preparing for the draft by googling things like “How to play fantasy hockey.” Yep. I am still lost so I did what any smart person would do. I signed up for another league! For my other league I am supposed to just pick players I like for my team. It’s a pride thing, not a points thing but I spent the other night agonizing over whether or not my wingers actually played wing or alternated at center, were they left or right shooters and the fact that I may have had two left-shooting right wingers on one of my lines. This doesn’t even matter! All I know is my tri-Staal having “Thunder Bay City Rollers” will give me much amusement. I mean I have Patrick Sharp on my fourth line! What’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like his appendix is going to burst or anything!

I know you all are in awe of my fantasy hockey skills. It’s hard not to be. Don’t worry. I promise to invite you all to my parade when I win the cup! I’ll be passing them out. I bought a whole box.

Do you play fantasy sports? Talk about it in the comments! Follow Cardiac Cane on Facebook and Twitter: @CardiacCaneFS@Esbee92 & @Caniac176.