A Girl and Goon: A Hate Story

During my lunch break on Wednesday I went to listen to a little bit of the replay of the 2006 Stanley Cup Championship Game 1, Canes vs. Oilers on XM NHL Home Ice. As soon as I got in my car, the broadcast announcers ruined my mood by uttering that horrible word. No, not “Voldemort.” “Pronger,” my personal Voldemort of hockey. If you’ve taken a moment to read my bio you would know that I firmly believe Chris Pronger is an instrument of the devil. Yeah. I pretty much hate that guy. If I was a world-class journalist I would be loading you down with facts and figures and doing some analysis of the play of Pronger. But I am a just a blogger. A blogger who really hates Chris Pronger. So I am going to climb on my soapbox and tell you my reasons for hating him. Oiler, Duck, and now a Flyer. It doesn’t matter what team he is on. I hate Chris Pronger.

First of all he is a goon, and I hate goons. I am ok with guys protecting other players and engaging in some fisticuffs when necessary but all out goonery? I am not a fan. Quit with the dirty plays and cheap shots and play the damned game. Yes all hockey players try to cheat but show me your skills that involve more than connecting your elbows with another player’s head. This beauty did not draw a penalty but it did draw blood and a one game suspension during the 2007 playoffs. Yes the playoffs during which he was suspended twice. TWICE! Who does that? Chris Pronger that’s who.

Ever hear of the “Pronger Stomp?” It’s not a new line dance sensation sweeping North America. It’s what Chris Pronger did to Ryan Kesler’s leg back in March of ’08 to earn an eight game suspension. And yes at second glance maybe Kesler did have him a bit tangled up, but those are just petty details that I choose to ignore. I still hate Chris Pronger.

Pronger is also a dirty puck stealer. Hey Anti Niemi! Did you want that game-winning puck from Game 2 of the 2010 Stanley Cup Finals from your Blackhawk days? Well you can’t have it! Chris Pronger stole it. It was the second puck of the series he took. Who does that? Chris Pronger that’s who. When asked about it he replied in typical Pronger fashion, “I didn’t know the winning team was allowed to keep the puck. Is that a rule? Can you look in the rule book for me?” I hate that guy.

It’s time to drop the gloves. Enough of these hockey examples. I am going to give it to you in layman’s terms. You know “that guy” in all the teen movies. He struts through the high school cafeteria in his letterman jacket, dumps a nerd’s lunch tray on his head and swats a cheerleader on the bum. That’s Chris Pronger. Look at this guy! Doesn’t he look like he is going to steal your homework and then try to steal your girlfriend? I bet he celebrates by crushing a beer can on that fivehead.

I could go on for days about my hatred for Chris Pronger. This was just the tip of the iceberg. I didn’t even get to the obnoxious interviews, or hard-hitting analysis about how the gap between his front teeth makes him look like a madman. It probably also makes it hard to eat corn on the cob, but that is neither here nor there. I am going to move on for now. But if you have spare time type “I hate Chris Pronger” into the magic Google. I got 21,000 hits in approximately 0.26 seconds. It’s good to know I am not alone. Now if you could help me down off this soapbox I would appreciate it. I have a bum knee.

* If you actually like Chris Pronger. Well I can’t help you there. You can however follow our FanSided Flyers site at Broad Street Buzz.