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Time To Shave Justin Faulk, Leave The Flow Alone. Mandatory Credit: James Guillory-US PRESSWIRE

The Saturday 16: Suspensions Shanahan Wouldn't Serve Up

Suspensions lately in the NHL have been nothing to joke about. Today’s Saturday Sixteen celebrates some silly things that hockey players (or announcers, or a particular team, or the NHL, you get the idea) could be suspended for if I had my way. Wouldn’t it be nice to just suspend a certain act rather than having players miss games? This is all in good fun, and no players were injured in the acts that have resulted in these suspensions (at least not physically, hurt feelings don’t count).

16. Philadelphia Flyers forward Claude Giroux has been suspended from trying to make me like a Flyers player. A repeat offense will result in an automatic trade to the New York Rangers. Boston Bruins Alternate Captain Patrice Bergeron has received a warning for similarly trying to make me like a Bruins player.

15. The NHL has been suspended from trying to book any musical entertainment ever again.

14. Any NHL player with Nickelback music in their possession will be automatically suspended.

13. Nickelback has been suspended from playing any NHL event. Furthermore, they have been suspended from being played during any NHL broadcast, in any arena….actually let’s just suspend them from making music altogether.

12. The following players have been suspended from trying to grow any type of mustache: Carolina Hurricanes Brandon Sutter and Justin Faulk, and the Ranger’s Brian Boyle. Why? Because it just makes you look weird.

11. Pittsburgh Penguins James Neal has been suspended from washing his hair. Oh wait…he already doesn’t wash his hair.

10. The Chicago Blackhawks organization has been suspended because they haven’t posted a new Joey the Junior Reporter video in months. Because no one should have to wait so long for this adorableness.

9. The following players have been suspended from cutting their “flows”: Ottawa Senators D-Man Erik Karlsson and repeat offender Justin Faulk.

8. Tampa Bay Lightning forward Steven Stamkos is being suspended for impersonating Jeff Spicoli.

7. Brendan Shanahan has been suspended for wearing the same suit in every suspension video.

6. Any NHL players who tuck their jerseys will be forced to take on team laundry duty for one week per incident. That’ll teach you!

5. NHL players who model (including but not limited to Blueshirt Henrik Lunqvist, Blackhawk Patrick Sharp, Hurricane Tuomo Ruutu) are suspended for trying to break the internet.

4. Pittsburgh Penguins fans are suspended from trying to scare Flyers Keeper Ilya Bryzgalov off the ice by dressing as bears.

3. Catfish and Octopi are suspended because they are gross.

2. Tripp Tracy has been suspended from talking about his groin on television.

1. John Forslund is suspended from saying any goalie besides Cam Ward “says NO!”

Unfortunately, I have no power to Shanaban, but if you did, what or who would you suspend? Chat with us on Facebook at  CardiacCane or on Twitter:@CardiacCaneFS, @Esbee92, @peacelovepuck, @caniac176 and @CaniacCaz.

Tags: Boston Bruins Brandon Sutter Brendan Shanahan Brian Boyle Cam Ward Carolina Hurricanes Chicago Blackhawks Claude Giroux Erik Karlsson Henrik Lundqvist Ilya Bryzgalov James Neal Joey The Junior Reporter John Forslund Justin Faulk New York Rangers Nickelback Ottawa Senators Patrice Bergeron Patrick Sharp Philadelphia Flyers Pittsburgh Penguins Steven Stamkos Tampa Bay Lightning Tripp Tracy Tuomo Ruutu

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